Taxi driver: Woah woah woah. Did you hit her?
Lilly: [laughs] Hit me? Please! This guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. He's all like "Oh honey did that hurt?" and I'm all like "C'mon let me have it ya pansy!"

Future Ted: Son, a piece of advice, never use the words "smurf penis" on a first date.

Barney: It's going to be legen...wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant 'cause the second half of that word is...dairy!

Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
Taxi driver: That was beautiful, man.

Ted's Date: Back When I lived in LA I was pretty broke, so I spent a month making adult films.
Ted: Wow ... uh, ok. How many did you make?
Ted's Date: 175.
Lily: Say what you want about the porn industry, but they're hard workers.

Barney: You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!

Marshall: What about that girl Jackie?
Ted: [Cuts away to Jackie and Ted on a date]... and my bathing suit had fallen completley off.
Jackie: I know the feeling. Once, when I was sixteen, I was driving and I hit this hitchhiker. Don't know what happened to him, just kept driving. [Jackie laughs and Ted looks a little scared]
Ted: [cuts back to the gang at the bar] Uhhh, no.

Lily: [seeing Barney's shiny shirt] Hey, we wore the same the shirt! No, wait, that's just my shirt reflected in yours.
Barney: One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects. Don't you ever read my blog?

Barney: You know what I love about Halloween. It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. A girl dresses up like a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse-
Lily: Wow, we get it.
Barney: She's a slutty nurse.

Robin: How can a pumpkin costume be sexy?
Ted: It was carved in strategic locations.

Ted: Come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever if the slutty pumpkin turned out to be my future wife?
Lily: Oh, on the off chance that could happen, maybe we should stop calling her the 'Slutty Pumpkin'.

Barney: [Seeing Ted's costume] No, no, not again, not this year. You're going as my wingman. Flight suit up!

Marshall: [In pirate voice] What be a pirate's favorite kind of sweater?
Lily: Arrrrr-gyle!
Marshall: [In pirate voice] And what be a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Lily: Arrrrr-by's!
Marshall: [In pirate voice] T'would think it would be Arby's, [In regular voice] but actually it's Long John Silver's.

Marshall: Okay, I just want everybody here to know, I'm not a gay pirate! I have sex with my parrot all the time! That came out wrong.

Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it!

Barney: [chuckling] Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
Marshall: It was a mouse!
Barney: Sorry, my bad! You're a man!

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Lily: It was a cockamouse!
Robin: A cockamouse?
Lily: It was some mutant combination of the two. It was like a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies tango?

Robin: So it was a Cocka-potatoe-mouse?
Marshal: Don't make this sound ridiculous. It's a Cocamouse.

Doctor: All set. She says she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?

Barney: I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups, I'm looking for a soulmate, someone who I can love and cuddle... [pauses] or so it says in my profile. [laughs]

Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie [with ecstasy] ohhhh.

Barney: Haaaaaaave you met Robin? [Trying to set Robin up with somebody]

Barney: Good night, thanks for playing, see you never!

Lily: My fiancee ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!

Lily: On Monday I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiancee ran me through with a broadsword.
Marshall: Technically, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.
Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
Ted: [pause] Your cops are called 'mounties'.

[At a homeless shelter]
Ted: What are you doing here?
Barney: The Lord's work.
Ted: But you're Satan!

Barney: Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses, inebriation-style.
Ted: So what, you..uh you want me to do a shot?
Barney: OH NOO. I want you to do FIVE shots. [pushes tray of other four shots to Ted]
Marshall: OOOH, more interesting.
Ted: Barney, I think you've officially...
Barney: NO! Don't think. DO!
Marshall: Ted, he's right. You over-think. Maybe, you should over-drink.
Marshall and Barney: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Ted: Uh Lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being?
Lily: Guys, you are being immature and moronic and DRINK DRINK DRINK!
Marshall: OH!
Barney: HA HA!
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
[Ted takes the first shot]
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: YEAH! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Ted: Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
[Ted downs second shot]
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: YEAH!!
Ted: Mere alcohol cannot stop this brain.
[Ted knocks down the third shot]
Barney: I love it, I love it, I love it!
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: YEAH!! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
[Ted pounds the fourth shot]
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Ted: This is a super-brain!
[Ted finishes the fifth shot]
Marshall, Lily, and Barney: Drink! Drink! Drink! YEAH!! Ha haa!
Lily: Hahahaha!
Ted: This brain is unstoppable! This brain...
Future Ted: ...And that's all I remember.

Carl the Bartender: And how did you guys like the shots?
Ted: I drank all five, bitch.
Marshall: [laughs] I love 'Drunk Ted'!
Ted: Marshall thinks you're a vampire.
Marshall: Ha ha ha ha! [glares at Ted]

Ted: How quickly you all forget! I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since '93! Vomit-free...since '93; that's funny, I'm funny!

Ted: You lit me on FIRE!? [Referring to when Barney lit Ted's coat on fire for calling Robin again]
Barney: Real suede wouldn't have gone up as fast. You got robbed; this is a blend.

Lily: I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

Lily: So where are you from, Natalya?
Barney: She... who knows. The former Soviet republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?

Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then we'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: One of each!

Lily: Ok, ok.... we'll sneak her in.
Ted: We can't sneak her in...we're not ninjas!
Lily: Uhhh... I wish we were ninjas!

Ted: Yes, on Saturday, after a little wine and a little dancing...
Barney: Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.

Lily: [on the wedding bouquet] It's such an evil tradition.
Ted: You're not gonna do it at your wedding?
Lily: Hell yea! I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream crawl for it bitches! It's just what girls do.

Barney: Sorry buddy, wish I could help you but my hands are tied. Oh no wait. That was last night. [makes a whipping sound]

Robin: No. I thought we're just hanging out as friends.
Barney: Oh, come on. You've been throwing yourself at me all night.
Robin: What? I did the opposite, I threw some other girl at you.
Barney: You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Is that not an internationally recognized term for sex?

Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero Sherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side

Barney: Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today.

Suited Guy: High five.
Hippie Barney: Sorry, I only give high twoís. [gives peace sign]

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: [voiceover] Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: That is the greatest story ever!

Lily: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Lily: I made you a sack lunch. [giggles]
Marshall: I love you because, one, you made me a sack lunch, and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack."

Sandy Rivers
: [to Robin] We should have sex!
Robin: What?!?!
Sandy Rivers: Why not, weíre both available, weíre both attractive, weíre both good at it, at least Iím good at it, and even if youíre not, donít worry, Iíll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I donít get involved with people I work with.
Sandy Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex! Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts]

Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing all that monumental happens, but by the end of it you have no idea who you are or what the hell you are doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days?
Ted: [smiles] Uhh, about once a week.

Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?

Marshall: How much does Korean Elvis rock? I'll answer that: infinity. He rocks infinity.

Marshall: Look Barney you tried. I think thatís great but weíre going.
Barney: No! No! Come on.
Marshall: Yes!
Barney: Dude! We havenít hit legendary yet, weíre only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.
Lily: Ok if were at the Le then I say we follow it up with the Ts go home.
Marshall: Oh wow you just got burned phonic style.

Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, itís the worldís oldest profession.
Marshall: Do you really think thatís true?
Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! Youíve been lawyered!

Mary: [Whispering to Ted] You know that scene in Empire when they lower that helmet onto Darth Vaderís head? [Pointing at Sandy Rivers] Do you think that is how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? [laughs]
Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something that I love. Damn you just got even hotter.

Robin: I never got to go to my prom. We always had field hockey nationals in the spring.
Barney: [coughs] Lesbian
Robin: The cough is supposed to cover the "lesbian."
Barney: Nah, I'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate.

Barney: Now ladies, slut up! [chuckles to self as ladies walk away]

Barney: Ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'Cause I kinda enjoyed it the first time.

Barney: You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And thatís not a good look for me!

Barney: For the first time...EVER...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be LE-GEN-DARY. Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is up New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...
[looks at Robin and Ted, who glance at each other]
Barney: Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you!

Ted: Is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily: Oh...that's not just a stove. That's a stoveinkerator! A combination of a stove, oven, sink and refrigerator. Stoveinkerator! Isn't that futuristic?!
Ted: God I hope not.

Everyone: Swarley

From wikiquote.org